Inside the SSUVFL

 

There are areas on this planet that we know very little about. Such as the bottom of the ocean, the Amazon rain forest, Area 51 and the SSUVFL. The SSUVFL? "I've never heard of it before" you say. Exactly! There are rumors all over the interweb about its existence. So I would like to share some of the declassified information that I can. First of all, what does SSUVFL stand for?

S - Super. As in super cool.

S - Secret. As in none of your business.

U - Undisclosed. As in we don't want to tell you where it is.

V - Virus. As in Covid and now the ever scary Monkey Pox.

F - Free. As in no trace of.

L - Location. As in where it may or may not be.

Here is a Skynet satellite photo from outer space of the SSUVFL. As you can see the photo has been redacted and we have successfully camouflaged everything from prying eyes.

The next photo I can show you is from a Google spy car that drove by our entrance. I can show you the photo because it is several years old now and the entrance doesn't look like that anymore. It is much less conspicuous now.

As you drive up the gentle incline, you will crest a small hill. The hill has been strategically placed there to stop prying eyes from just peering in. Here you will come to two warning signs.

These are the only warnings you will get. So if you happen to stumble upon the SSUVFL by accident, it is best to turn around at that point. The top sign says Private Property, no trespassing.  The bottom sign is the one that you really need to be worried about. Turtle crossing. What it really means is "Beware of attack turtles." I searched the interweb and could not find a sign that said "beware of attack turtles" so I went with something that was very close to it. It means that I have trained the local snapping turtle population to become ravenous blood thirsty attack turtles.

This one is Brewtis. He patrols the grounds of the SSUVFL nonstop.

Brewtis checks the doors to make sure they are secured.

Brewtis is a medium size snapper. We have larger ones that are about the size of Komodo Dragons lurking around. So trespassers beware. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "why don't I just sneak into the SSUVFL in the winter when the attack turtles are hibernating?" I have thought of that also so that is why I am training the Pileated Woodpeckers to swoop in and peck your brains and eyes out.

Here's a picture of one attacking a simulated head. If that doesn't deter people from finding us I always have the hidden machine gun nests, mortar pits, tiger pits and the local tribe of pygmy cannibals to take care of unwanted visitors.

What have we really been up to? Well when we are not working for the "man" we are doing an endless list of improvements here at the SSUVFL. Along with lots and lots of family time.

 

Lolli and the little ones on movie night.

Lisa and my sister Gio enjoying a car show.

Our maiden voyage of our pontoon.

Enjoying some brewski's. l-r. Me, Lisa Brother-in-law Jeff and my sister Gio.

Lolli making memories with the kids.

BBQ with the fam.

Lolli getting sticky with the grandkids.

Most of our summer projects have come to an end. Lisa continues to clear brush around the SSUVFL giving us great fields of fire now. We rented a log splitter one day to help us get prepared for a long cold winter.

Even while busy working, Lisa will always have time to stop and pose for a photo shoot by the paparazzi. One of the jobs I was putting off was sealing the front part of our driveway. I did the section in front of the barn earlier in the summer.

I did it in three days and it took about 13 buckets of sealer. It looks great and one lady driving by asked if I hired out. To which I quickly told her "No".

Now the news I am sure you all have been waiting for. How is my health? I am glad you asked. I have been back to the Mayo Clinic several times this last summer. My last visit was with the hand surgeon. He basically said that opening up my hand again was not an option and that I must learn to live with the annoyance that it is. It is what it is.

I went in for my regular check up a couple of weeks ago. I told my DR. about how much my hips hurt and that I limp all of the time. X-rays were taken and confirmed by Orthopedics and they all came to the same conclusion. Exercise and death marches are bad for me and I need hip replacement surgery. 

When I went home and told Lisa the results I thought I might get something like this. "Oh honey, you must be in so much pain. You should take it easy and stop working." But what I actually got was "Well, you have a lot of projects to get done before your surgery."

So I continue to hobble around here to get things done so that Lisa will let me get my surgery and find some relief from pain. Poor me.

A Day in My Sad Life

 Story by Tango Allejandro

Illustrations by Tango Allejandro

The events that I am about to share with you are mostly true. Some names have been changed for legal reasons and to protect the innocent.

As I have said before, I have taken a part time job with a tool company that is a national company. Lets just call it Tools-R-Us.  I have nothing against the company. I like working there. It is fun and interesting and best of all, it puts money in the bank.

Part time work is great for me because my shifts are usually 4 hour shifts. For example. We get a semi truck every week with merchandise. I have been a part of a crew of six or more to unload the truck. It is hard work but I know in a few hours I will be done with the shift and believe me, the more people you have to unload a truck the better. 

On one such truck day a few weeks ago we had only 4 people to unload the truck. Two thirds of the truck was palletized while the rest is floor loaded from floor to ceiling. It ends up to be a lot of lifting of boxes but the four of us got it unloaded in my 4 hour shift.

So the other day I am scheduled for a real 8 hour shift, plus it is a truck day. Oh-oh. So I get to work at 4 o'clock in the morning. Yep, you read that right. 4 AM! What am I thinking? I don't know. Maybe thinking about the last truck we unloaded in 4 hours. I can do this.

I look around at the crew and see the store manager. The logistics manager. I spin around in a 360 degree circle and notice that that is it. Just little ole me. The store manager, who is a lot younger than I, jumps on the forklift.

The logistics manager, who is a lot younger than I, grabs the scanner to scan all of the boxes that come in.

That just left me, the old cripple guy with a laundry list of ailments, to unload each and every pallet. 

Let's look at those ailments for a minute.

Arthritis in the neck. Check.

Bad shoulders due to old rotator cuff injuries. CHECK.

Nerve damage in the left hand. CHECK.

Lower back pain. CHECK.

Hips wearing out. CHECK.

Sore knees due to old injuries. CHECK.

Achilles tendinitis in both heels. CHECK.

In a nut shell. I am a wreck and should keel over any day now. Gladys says I walk hunched over like a 90 year old man and I'm only 58!

Back to the story. The store manager unloads the pallets. They are double stacked to save room on the truck. The logistics manager breaks down the pallets and scans each box. I then take each box and move it to its location in the storeroom.

Box after box. Pallet after pallet. We figured there were 40 pallets that "we" unloaded. It took the entire 8 hour shift to unload almost all of the pallets. I ended up leaving 3 at the end of shift. But no worries, they were still waiting for me the next day. LOL.

That was the longest 8 hour day I have had in a long time. But I got through it alive. I was hurting for a couple of days after that and am super excited for next week's truck.

But nothing beats an honest day's work. Except maybe day drinking. Silly me. I sound like Jethro and Bambi now.

Next episode we get an inside look at the SSUVFL.