The Truth is Out There

 *Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Sit back, start a fire and enjoy the tale I am about to tell you. 

Every so often it happens. Our hero and his spouse are just living their lives to the best of their abilities. Hard working people. America was built on the backs of such hard working people as themselves. He wore a soldiers uniform. Many times not seeing his family for days, weeks and yes, even months at a time. All in the name of freedom. She had to raise two small children while working full time jobs. Just to give them the morals and values that make good human beings.We will call them Tango and Gladys. 

Our antagonists, Jethro Buckhumper and Bambi Poledancer, are from Wisconsin. Need I say more? Tango and Gladys are from Minnesota. So you know there is a natural hatred amongst them. I mean, just look at their rival football teams. The proud and Noble Vikings.

Feared far and wide throughout Europe. Even going so far as to discover the Americas. Then look at what Wisconsin has to offer. Cheeseheads.

Wearing a block of cheese on your head. That is what is supposed to strike fear in your enemies? The teams mascot is actually a "Packer". I am not sure what a packer really is. Does it have something to do with fudge? Here's another look at them.

But I am getting away from the story. 

Tango and Gladys had worked hard all their lives finding a chance to make a new life after their kids had moved on, they decided to travel this great country in their RV to explore America. Not only to find new adventures but also to find themselves. It started beautifully. The spark returned to their eyes. They began to see each other as if it was the first time in their lives. 

The cruel hand of fate was about to deal an evil blow. Our heroes were in the middle of Florida one year not so long ago. Minding their own business when what should happen on that fateful day. A day we refer to as "The Beginning". We were sitting outside our RV when we noticed a funny little man walking a funny little dog in front of our rig.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Now I wish we would have ran into our camper and locked the door and drawn the shades, but we didn't. At the very least I wish we would have listened to the advice from my dear departed mother. That was "DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS". Four simple words probably would have changed our lives for the better. But we didn't.

As he ambled by, I winked at Gladys, nudged my head in his direction and we both chuckled to ourselves. We watched in amazement as his little dog crapped in front of our camper and he nonchalantly just kicked some dirt over it and continued on. He took two more steps, stopped and ever so slowly turned in our direction. He looked at us with eyes that didn't see. His mouth started to quiver as if there were words trying to form. Before he spoke he spit a stream of tobacco juice onto the dog turd. Wiped his chin with his forearm and said these words.

"Howdy neighbor! I see those plates on that there pickem up truck is from Mini-sota dag gum it! The little woman and me are Wisconsinites. I'm Jethro and she goes by Bambi. She's going to love ya all, I just knows it. We will be back for dinner at 5. I likes to eat early so I's can drink all night. You have beers right?" With that he grabbed his little dog, jumped up in the air and kicked his heals together and returned to where ever it was he came from.

Gladys and I looked at each other and said "What the heck just happened?"

5 o'clock came that night and sure enough so did our new friends (for lack of a better word). Jethro introduced us to Bambi. If there was a Daisy Duke look alike contest, she would win easily.

Jethro on the other hand. 

It was truly amazing to see that man eat. He had a spork in one hand and his beer in the other. It went something like this. Shove a bite of food in his mouth and then wash it down with beer. Eat, drink, eat, drink and on and on it went. He would occasionally belch once in awhile but that was it. I noticed that he never went to the bathroom. 

"Jethro," I said. "Don't you ever go to the bathroom?"

He said "Not since I discovered these new fangled underpants called Depends. I never have to stop drinking to use the potty."

To which I had to inquire. "How long have you been wearing that pair?"

"All day, why?"

"Well you seem to be leaking."

For years we traveled around. That's putting it nicely, when in fact we were hiding from them. Now I don't blame Bambi .That's the hand she was dealt with and I am sure she is doing the best that she can. WE worked in Moab, Utah. Sure enough they were there. We worked in Yellowstone. Again they were there. I don't know how many times we would be somewhere and they would show up.

We finally got off the road and built our house we even gave it a name. SSUVFL. That stands for Super Secret Undisclosed Virus Free Location. I don't know how they find us but they do.

That's my tale. Those who know, know.