The Infamous J Bar B Ranch

Monday September 22, 2025

Nestled deep inside the Black Hills of South Dakota is one of the hidden gems of the AARP crowd. It's new and I can see that this will be bigger than 25 cent ice cream cones at McDonalds for seniors and even bigger than the cheap drugs and dental in Algadones Mexico. The place I am talking about is the J Bar B Dude Ranch for Seniors. We were privileged enough to be invited by our hosts to sample all that they offered with a handful of other guests. Being the influencers that we are, we could not miss out on an opportunity like this. I started my review a few days ago so please review that before you go on.

Monday.

Hikes were on the agenda for today. Two to be exact. Hells Canyon for the crazy adventurers and a very easy hike around the picturesque Sylvan Lake. I don't have to tell  you which hike I did. Three went off to do the Hells Canyon hike and we never heard from them again. Oh, well. The rest of us went to Sylvan lake. If I haven't said it before, I am a cripple. Which is a bad thing in this group. So the group left me at a picnic table and went their merry way. Who cares that I might get eaten by a bear or something.

I made the best of it. I brought a book to read to pass the time. Although starving, I traded that book to a hippie for a granola bar. Who knows if they are ever coming back? I think they just left me there to die. 

Starving for days. I am a shell of the man I used to be.

Delirious, I looked up and I think I saw them in the distance.

They were all standing in line at the poopers. Awkward. I hobbled over to them and we all piled into the tour buses and returned to the ranch. Alcohol was promptly served to ease the aches and pains of the hikers. Bambi spread forth a plethora of seafood for the nights meal. Jethro introduced us to some dice games on Sunday and brought them back out Monday. 

The first one was called Shake-a-day. It costs a dollar to play and the object is to get a Yahtzee with six dice instead of five. Guess what I did? I got it!

Finally! Cash! The next one was called Shut the Box. 

It's a fun game. You roll the dice and lift or lower the tiles of the score you have. Let's say you roll a six, so you then lift the six. Roll a twelve, you lift the twelve. You keep rolling until you can't lift any more tiles and what is left is your score. Guess what I did? I scored a zero! Never before in human history has that been done!

 

That meant more money! Jethro has finally brought out the cash prizes for these events.

Just a side note here. Notice the people who have the lowest scores. That's right! Bambi and Tango. We are such fine athletes that we excel in everything we do.

More bourbon tasting ensued that evening. Now the real reason I think Jethro had us out there was to show off his extensive collection. Rumor has it that there are over 250 bottles. He has them stashed all over the place.

These are just two small areas that he has them in. There are literally cupboards full of bourbon. I did not partake in any bourbon tastings. 

Tuesday September 23, 2025

Jethro announced that there are more hikes on the agenda. I really think that he is doing this to try and knock some of us off because it has now been four days of fun and frolic. He says that he knows of an easy hike in the Wind Cave National Park that we just have to do. So we loaded up  the tourist busses and headed out.

We started the hike at the visitor center. Jethro led us out into the wilderness to our first stop. He was really digging the tour guide thing. The original opening that was discovered of the cave system.

At this point there is another sign that described the hike as "Moderately Strenuous".

I had to Google it and there is a difference between easy and this.

Jethro assured us that it was easy. At this point Gladys realized that she left her phone in the pooper and needed to go back and find it. Everyone said that they would wait. Soon Bambi said that she would go look for Gladys so she left. Realizing that this could be my way out I said that I would go look for them also and  that they should start the hike. So I left and dang it, the girls were coming down the trail. So the hike resumed.

Jethro blabbing on and on about some bush or plant or something. I just had to tune him out.

The only pictures I got of the group are of their backs because they just leave cripples to fend for themselves.

After the hike which I finished and no one cares, we headed back to the ranch for more alcohol. Bambi made some amazing steaks for dinner. More tastings and games followed and then people started to fade away. The hectic schedule and grueling activities started to take their toll on the old and crippled.

Jethro pulled me aside earlier in the day and whispered in my ear again. "Tango, this is brilliant. Everyone signs a waiver that there are no refunds. So if we do lots of vigorous hikes and they fall and break a hip or something, that's just more money for us!" To which I had to respond with this. "Let me guess, pork rinds and bourbon for breakfast?"

Four days down and four to go. Will we make it? Only time will tell.

Why are We Here?

 This is quite the topic to tackle, from a point of philosophical awareness. People have written countless books about existentialism but I will delve into it as it relates to us. (Sorry Jethro, more big words.)

The term "here" refers to a spot in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Particularly the "J bar B" ranch close to the town of Custer, SD. A year ago we got a message from Jethro and Bambi. He said he was inviting a small group of people out to the ranch in September of 2025. He wanted to give everybody plenty of notice to clear their calendars. Fast forward to now and here we are. 

Photo stolen from Jethro and improved by Tango.

Saturday.

These are the couples that are making the journey to South Dakota. Traveling from 3 different states and one province. We all arrived on the same day and started to get caught up with everyone's  lives. While everyone was getting reacquainted Jethro pulls me aside and whispers in my ear, which was a little unnerving because he smelled of bourbon and pork rinds.

He said to me "Tango, Bambi and I have a million dollar idea. I don't want to do a food trailer because that sounds like too much work for Bambi, so we came up with this idea. The J bar B ranch.  A +55 and older dude ranch for senior citizens! That's why you all are here! To give it the first test. We have activities planned, tours set up. It's all inclusive too. Food and beverages. Everything! We have even scheduled nap times! It's perfect!"

So the first day was slow and easy since it was a travel day. Pretty soon Jethro was bringing out the bourbon. Those that wanted to do blind taste testing of a variety of bourbons could. Just an observation here. I think there would be more takers if there was prize money involved. Giggling could be heard the rest of the night.

Sunday.

Today was a quiet day. People could explore on their own. The afternoon was going to be a cornhole tournament, more bourbon tasting and alcohol consumption. Jethro made a bracket and names were drawn to see who was going to compete with who. Everyone started googling the rules to make sure it was on the level. We decided on the Queensbury rules of cornhole to the death and the competition began.

It was a very spirited competition, comments from the spectators were nonstop as you could imagine.

Jethro pulled me aside again and whispered in my ear. "Tango, today we are just playing cornhole but imagine an Olympic size shuffle board court here. Over there yonder I want to install a pickleball court. What else do old people play? Oo, I know checkers!" I looked over and saw his eyes gleaming and a smile plastered across his face. I was wondering how much bourbon he has already had and why does he always smell of pork rinds?

The losers of the games would then have to spin the wheel of bad decisions. The wheel was listed with all kinds of bad alcohol and the losers would spin to see what they had to take a shot of.

Here is Jethro spinning because his team lost. I think he lost on purpose just so he could drink.

The tournament went on for hours with the eventual winners being the team of Bambi and Tango. Again, just saying that maybe some cash prizes may be a good incentive.

Fun was had by all. But if that wasn't good enough, the two winners now had to face each other in a sudden death game. The game went back and forth for what seemed like hours. Imagine two athletes at the top of there physical abilities competing head to head. On and on it went until finally time started to take its toll on, Tango. Bambi was in her prime and finally endured the final outcome. Bambi was the overall champion. Congratulations to her. Jethro presented her with the Shepard's hook of physical prowess. Again, cash!

With the game over alcohol was brought out for drowning your sorrows or celebrating your victories. I would like to add that the meals Bambi has been cooking were fabulous! Bambi has been doing so much cooking and keeping us fed. I made the comment that this is like the opposite of fat camp. It's more like "see how much you can eat camp". After every meal you can hear moans and groans of satisfaction. You can always count on Jethro to add "save room for some bourbon!"

That's it for the first two days. There is so much going on that I have do small snippets to just keep up with everything before the alcohol clouds my mind. Stay tuned for more.

The Most Stupendous Epic Adventure to Date.

Day 1, 19 September 2025

 Our brave explorers Gladys Butterpump and Tango Allejandro decided not to hibernate after soup season. Instead our brave explorers decide to pack up their camper and head to parts unknown.They packed for days and days in preparation for this fantastic voyage. Everything that was once in the house was now in their camper. The neighbors could hear Tango yelling at Gladys many times. 

"Gladys! Gladys! (She's hard of hearing.) "Why don't you just follow me in a U-Haul truck with everything you are bringing!" he said exasperated. (That's a big word Jethro. You may have to look it up.) Finally it was time to throw the cats in and go. They decided to take a minute and take a photo as tradition dictates for posterity. (More big words.)

Look how young, happy and gay our explorers look. It was going to be a grand and glorious day full of so much promise and hope.

Fate can be a fickle "B" word. And fate said "Wait just a gosh darn moment!" We didn't hear her because our hearts were light and gay, remember? 

Tango jumped into the truck ready to hit the open road. To feel the wind whip through what's left of his hair and see what lays ahead. Tango turns the key to hear the mighty diesel roar to life. (Insert the sound of chirping crickets here.) Nothing. NOTHING!  I just had this stupid thing in for service! "Damn you over priced dealership service!" Turn the key, nothing. Turn the key, nothing. I'm sure if I keep doing it a dozen more times something will happen.

"Gladys, you're going to have to jump me." I said.

"Okay Tango, but I'm not as spry as I once was." She said in her sexy sultry voice.

"I mean jump start my truck."

When the truck started, they turned their vehicles west for the big adventure. Now our explorers should have taken that as an omen and returned to their recliners for the winter but, NO. It rained and rained the entire day. Sometimes very heavily. At one point Tango lost visual on Gladys in her U-Haul. He radioed back at her and she never answered. I slowed down hoping she would catch up and finally resorted to calling her. She answered and said "Did you see that big puddle of water on the side of the highway?" "Yes I did. So I swerved around it." I said. "Well I didn't. I almost went into the ditch. I think I pee'd my pants."

The truck not starting. the all day rain with downpours, Gladys almost hydroplaning into the ditch, fate is trying to tell us something. Is this trip doomed from the very beginning? To make things worse, this is the first trip without Moose. However it is Stinky's first trip. So what does she do. She poops in her cage. She was very embarrassed about it.

We made it alive to our first stop. It is farther now to go back home than to our final destination so we must press on. 

Day one is in the books. Not to put a jinx on it but how much worse can day two be.

Day two, 20 Sept. 2025

Day 2 started off much better. We got an early start, excited to get to our final destination. There was only one glitch in that leg of the journey. Fog. We went thru about a 40 mile stretch of fog that got so thick at times you could only see about a hundred feet in front of your vehicle. I am so amazed at some of the people who lack the common sense as to not turn on their headlights in the fog. They always seem to be the ones driving white vehicles also. The fog slowed us down to 40-50 miles an hour at times. 

Once we got through that we made a stop in Wall SD because when you go by Wall Drug you have to stop. It's like a SD law or something. Gladys said she wanted to ride a Jackelope so what Gladys wants, Gladys gets.

Finally we made it to our final destination. I can't tell you where that is at the moment. We are waiting to see how it goes before we admit to anything. More blogs to follow.

One more thing to add. We survived a close call with a T-Rex. We were lucky to leave with our lives. See how adventurous we are?

Before you get alarmed about the SSUVFL being unprotected, I assure you it is. I hired a security guy who will be there 24/7. Here is a picture of him on patrol.

He may look skinny but he is scrappy.

Soup Season Wrap Up

 It's sad but it's true. Soup season has ended for us early. 

Due to a commitment next week we have closed down the soup trailer early. This year we did not keep track of the amount of soup we sold like we have in the past. I know that will disappoint Harry and Jim because I know they live for those stats. However I will add that for our last big event, which was a three day event, we ended up selling 17 gallons of soup.

We did 61 events this year. Down 30 events from our first year. We have finally learned what events are decent and which ones are not. Live and learn. By doing fewer events, we have drastically lowered our food costs and controlled the waste so much better.

The questions we get from people still make me laugh. Like "Do you take cash?" For the record, we do. And because of that so many people bring us hundred dollar bills. We are thinking of changing our name to Lone Pine Soup Co. and Bank.

Another favorite question I like to hear is that when people order, they want their food to go. Cracks me up every time.

We did a lot of new events this year, some that Lisa has been trying to get in for years, finally paying off. We met a lot of great people at some fun events. We thank everyone who has helped support us. 

Now it is time to rest and hibernate for the winter. We will see what next season brings. Until then. 

Adieu!