Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Lessons Learned

Some images may not be suitable for young children or Jim.

Surgery is over and things are going as well as can be expected. I have spent the last 3 weeks sitting in my recliner, watching a lot of TV. I had always thought that that would be a great way to spend your days, but now that I don't have a choice, I am getting tired of it. Like they say, "Be careful what you wish for". 

Before going into this operation, it seemed like so many people would tell us that they knew someone who went through it. A cousin, a neighbor or a co-worker. And every time they would tell us that there was an immediate relief of pain after surgery versus before surgery. Although I do believe them when they say that, but it makes me wonder if things have been left out of the equation. 

For instance, let's call the time before surgery "A". Then let's call the time after surgery where you are fully healed "C". I can see where there would be a noticeable improvement from point A to point C. So what's missing is the time in between that nobody talks about. "B". That is where I am currently floundering in and from a first hand perspective, it sucks. 

When you think about that type of operation and what they have done to your body, it should not be a shock to how much pain you are feeling. If you Google "hip replacement surgery" you can see what they are doing to your body. It is very traumatic to say the least.

My thigh for instance. I am/was black and blue from my hip to my knee.

Along with the bruising, the skin on my thigh is hyper sensitive to touch. Just putting a finger on my thigh feels like you are trying to push a knife through it. 

Swelling is another issue and now after 3 weeks it is finally subsiding some. Right after surgery it was about twice the size of my other leg.
They told us to get a walker. I don't go a step without hanging onto that for dear life. I just hobble around everywhere with it. Walking has been difficult but it is getting easier. I am sore from my hip down to my knee. I have knee pain because for them to work on my femur, they had to dislocate it from my knee joint. 

There are two different ways that they can do a hip replacement and I am unsure of the differences. One way is to go through the side of the hip to do it. The other is to go through the front of the hip. That is how they did mine. They make a 4 inch incision to do it. 
No stitches. Just some kind of mesh covering the incision. I still don't know how they could pull that femur through that, cut the head off, insert a titanium ball joint and socket through there. It was probably a good thing I was knocked out. Speaking of being knocked out. Remember how I said that it took them 14 tries to do my spinal block. Lisa took a picture of my back when we got home.
Each little dot is an attempt with a needle.

So what have I learned from all of this. Well I have learned to live with non-stop pain. Once the Oxycodone that they send you home with is gone, the only other thing you can take for pain is Tylenol, which really doesn't do a thing for it. 

I learned that if you want a peaceful night of sleep, that is just not going to happen. I can't have the sheets or blankets touching my thigh and if you try to roll over to find a more comfortable position, the pain wakes you up. To be honest, there really are no comfortable positions. 

I have learned that doing anything for yourself is difficult to say the least. From going to the bathroom, sitting at the dinner table or just getting up out of your chair. It is a struggle that causes pain and discomfort.

I have learned that at Physical Therapy, they try to see how much pain you can take. I know in the future that if I ever have to do the other one, the pain would have to be unbearable before I go through this again. Maybe I will just get a scooter and say "To hell with it" and just scoot around everywhere.

Last night was a milestone for me. After more than three weeks, I had my first beer. That may be a new world record for me. It was good, so good. It was like drinking the nectar from the gods. I only had one if you can believe that.

Christmas is fast approaching so we would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Sunday, November 20, 2022

First Time Being Abducted by Aliens

 There I was, a young man living deep in the woods of the SSUVFL. Some might say that I was the ultimate specimen of manhood. A perfect mix of John Wayne, Clint Eastwood and Zac Efron. That's why it was not unusual for me to take a nightly 10 mile hike in any kind of weather. If you know me, you know that I am the epitome of health and fitness. What was unusual that particular starry night was that way off in the distance I saw a shimmering light. As I watched the light, it began to get closer and brighter. Could it be an Unidentified Flying Object? Otherwise known as a UFO.

Preposterous I know, but bear with me. Before I knew it the light was directly overhead. They say that most people facing a life or death situation such as that, a fight or flight response will kick in for self preservation. I would like to add that there is also a third type of response. That is stupid dumbfoundness. As I stood there looking up at the light I could feel a certain warmth running down my leg. I had a sensation of being whisked away. Things after that are kind of a blur but I can relate to you a few of the details of my abduction.

I recall looking up at a white ceiling with some sort of apparatus up there. I could feel my body being tilted at an odd angle while something grabbed my left leg. Putting some kind of boot on it and then being tied down. Then the same happened to my right leg. My arms were grabbed and tied down also. It was kind of scary being aware of what is going on but having no control of anything. I closed my eyes hoping that when I opened them again it would all be over, but when I opened them I was still there. Again I closed them and this time when I opened them it was over. A blink in time. 

I relate that story to you because once I got into the operating room, that was the closest thing that came to mind about what happened. It was surreal to say the least. 

I am ahead of myself so let me start from the beginning of that grand and glorious day. We got the call the day before to let us know when to show up for surgery. 6 AM. Alarms were set and we were as prepared as possible. 

Winters in Minnesota can be challenging at times and of course when it comes to something like this Mother Nature just had to make it more interesting for us. Maybe it humors her? I don't know. The drive from the SSUVFL to Fargo promised to be snowy with blowing snow, dropping temps and ice covered roads. So we awoke at 3 AM and hit the road at 4. Top speed for our journey was a whopping 50-55 mph. 80-88 kph for our Canadian friends. It was a white knuckle drive for sure as in several areas we started to slip and slide. 

We eventually made it. Got checked in and waited. They hustled us to the pre-op rooms where they wanted me to strip down to nothing. Okay. Lisa, cue the music! After the show was over I was glad to have made a few bucks. I received another Covid test because having one 6 days away was too far in advance. It had to be within 5 days of the procedure. Oh well. I am not responsible for what they find up there.

It came back negative so I was cleared for surgery. We said our goodbyes and I wondered to myself if Lisa was going to visit Dr. Hot Bod. He is one of the orthopedic Dr.'s I've seen and works downstairs. It's okay. I've seen Lisa's dermatologist who I call Dr. Soft Hands so I guess we are even.

In the operating room I was propped up so that they could do a spinal block on me. As I was sitting there, there was a table full of all kinds of torture instruments. I made a comment to the nurse standing in front of me so that I would not fall off the table, "Oh look, there's the hammer, I've heard about the hammer."

She said to me "Don't look at that stuff." We both looked longingly into each other's eyes as we shared a moment. I think some of the meds have already started working.

A spinal block is where they inject a spinal anesthesia into the spinal fluid. Never having one before I assumed it was one injection and that was it. Stab after stab I felt in my back. Over and over it went. Name, rank and serial number started going through my mind. Finally the main anesthesiologist came over and she tried another 4 times until she got the needle in. Worst experience of my life. Apparently they kept hitting bone, cartilage and nerves. Lisa later on counted 14 needle marks. Fourteen. When they hit the nerves I nearly passed out. After that, that is when I felt like the aliens took over.

Up in the recovery room I really had to go #1 and I was not going to do it in a bed pan. I have way too much pride for that. So I had the nurses come in and get me out of bed to get to the bathroom. Once there, performance anxiety set in as they were outside the door along with Lisa and what sounded like half of the hospital staff. Mission aborted. After everyone left for a while, I swallowed my pride and did the deed in bed. After a few times I was getting pretty good at it so to challenge myself, I started to add a distance factor into play. Note to self. Don't do that. That was going to be the alternate title of the blog. "First time peeing in bed."

I was up in recovery until the next day. We were waiting to get released and also watching the weather as more snow and wind was going to move through. Mother Nature just toying with us some more. But this time Lisa had to drive us home. Another perilous drive and we were back safe and sound in the SSUVFL.

Lisa is taking great care of me. We have developed a rhythm to get in and out of bed. It is a two person job for sure. Moose likes to sit with me all of the time.

Lisa is also outside doing the snow blowing. After all these years she kept telling me she didn't know how to use a snow blower. I sure fell for that one.

What a woman. Thanks so much to our neighbor Chuck ,who also came over and plowed the long stretch of our driveway with his ATV.

So until next time.

Friday, November 18, 2022


 My hip replacement surgery is only a few days away and we are making preparations for a six week recovery. We have been given pamphlets, that's plural, about what to expect and tips to help you recover. We were required to watch an hour and a half video on the same subjects that the pamphlets cover. We have purchased and received many items to help me get around and to just help make recovery easier.

Items like a walker.

It even has wheels on the front. That will help me get around and to prevent falls. A fall would be very bad I assume. I'm guessing that if I fell, I would be like a turtle on my back. A sad little turtle bawling like a little baby from the pain.

I got a super long shoe horn to help me get my shoes on.

A device that will help me get my socks on without having to bend over.

Who knew there was such a thing? I have a reacher/grabber thingy to pick things up. Just an FYI, it will grab a beer can out of the fridge.

We have grab bars in the shower so I can hang onto them as I seductively bathe myself. That's because Lisa won't sponge bathe me. We have a toilet seat riser to help me do you know what. But you really didn't need to know that and I will not demonstrate it for you. We also have grab bars to assist in getting up.

I was hoping to get a scooter but my nurse said that I need to walk to get stronger, not ride. Even though I would look awesome on a scooter. I was planning on wearing my motorcycle jacket when I was driving it. One of the best things we did get is an electric lift chair. How did I ever live without one?

I also found an APP for my phone that makes bell sounds so that I can ring my nurse every time I need something.

I have been DVRing lots of movies to watch. Weekends will be taken up with football. A good friend of mine Jim said that he loves the Hallmark channel so I have been watching lots of Christmas movies. We are so in the mood for Christmas now. My daughter even brought over some gaming systems to keep me entertained. So bring on the surgery.

Thursday, October 27, 2022



In this episode of many ramblings, I would like to share with you some of the struggles I have been dealing with. These struggles are real, very real.

The first being this blog. I know I have mentioned it a time or two before but I am going to mention it again. It started out as a journal of our journeys and experiences that we could share with friends and family. After all, not everybody sells all of their belongings and travels the country in an RV. It was fun for us as we explored new places, met new friends and discovered new sights. 

Then Covid hit and that kind of sidelined us. We built our barn and cabin. We settled down vowing that one day we would hit the road again. But as we live this new life off the road, we have decided that we do like it here in our Super Secret Undisclosed Virus Free Location. We love the solitude around us as we sit out by a fire. Not having to listen to barking dogs or radios from the campsite next door. No kids running through your campsite. Thinking about that makes me believe that that is better than any campground we have stayed in.

And to be very honest, the magic of traveling has worn off for us. Cudos to the people we have met on the road that are still traveling now. We still follow their blogs and adventures. We said that if traveling is no longer fun, that it was time to quit. That is what happened. Finding places to stay became a hassle and we found ourselves going to places we already have been to because of familiarity. 

So since this is no longer a travel blog, posts are going to be few and far between. Unless inspiration hits me. We have a big surprise for next year but you will have to wait to find out about it.

Another struggle that has reared its ugly head lately is warranties. Buying a warranty for anything is always a gamble. Makes me wonder if products these days are just not built that well and the company selling the product knows it. The tool company I worked for sold replacement plans on nearly everything it sold. Do you buy a 5 dollar warranty on a 20 dollar tool now making the 20 dollar tool cost 25 dollars. Then do you hope that it breaks so that you can get a new one?

Don't even get me started on car warranties. This past week I have had two things break. One with a warranty and one without. Both ended up costing me money out of my pocket. The first one was my new eyeglasses. The bow broke and I have not had these for very long. So I bring them to the store and show them to them. They look at them and then tell me that I may have to buy a new frame for $80 because I didn't purchase the $40 warranty when I bought them. Lets see now. Do I spend $120 on an $80 frame? What a scam!

Next item I did buy a warranty for and that is tires. I got the road hazard warranty in case we ran over something and a tire needed to be replaced. Well as luck would have it Lisa ran over a nail and where it was in the tire I new it couldn't be repaired. I took it to the dealer and he looks up and sees that we have a road hazard on the tires. Yes! Finally a warranty is going to pay off. They order the tire and a few days later I go back for installation. "That will be $200 sir". "What?! I have a warranty". Upon further explanation he said that under Biden's economy, the price of the tire has doubled and the warranty only covers the original cost of the tire. Plus it doesn't cover labor, balancing, disposal and other things. But I did save $139 because of the warranty. Bend me over Gladys and get out the vaseline. 

Finally the last struggle we have been dealing with is pain. I say "we" because Lisa feels my pain with me. I know everyone knows about my hand fiasco which still continues to this day with no relief so I will not delve into that any more. My newest pain though is in my left hip which also spreads to my right hip. I had x-rays taken and it was confirmed that a total hip replacement was in my future. Surgery was originally scheduled for October 16th but before that could happen I needed a pre-op physical. 

During the physical they do an EKG which came back abnormal. Great! The DR. could not sign off on the surgery until they had a heart stress test done. So that was scheduled and completed last week which was interesting. Since I have hip issues, they did the test differently than having me run on a treadmill. It went like this. 

They first put in an IV which they injected a syringe of some kind of radio active dye that would show up in a CT scanner. They had me sit for an hour to let that circulate through my body.Once that had time to circulate through my body, I was put into a CT scanner for 15 minutes to get pictures of my heart. Next I was taken to another room where instead of a treadmill, they would inject a drug into me that would simulate the same effect. Soon as I was injected, it was immediate when  I started feeling the effects. My breathing became labored, my heart started racing and it really gave me a sense of panic. They had me on a heart monitor to keep tabs on me and the nurse was there to coach me through it. After about 5 minutes it was over. Back to the CT scanner I went. 15 minutes later I was done.

Walking out with Lisa I said nonchalantly "As I was laying there I was thinking, I hope they don't find something else wrong with me". Lisa looked at me like my teeth had just fallen out of my mouth and said "You're just thinking of this now? I've been worried for 2 weeks". My bad. Oops.

Well the test came back normal and the surgery has been re-scheduled for November now. So fingers crossed my dream of becoming more like a terminator will be getting closer.

See, my hip will look like his.

Until the next installment. Stay frosty my friends.

Wednesday, September 21, 2022

Inside the SSUVFL


There are areas on this planet that we know very little about. Such as the bottom of the ocean, the Amazon rain forest, Area 51 and the SSUVFL. The SSUVFL? "I've never heard of it before" you say. Exactly! There are rumors all over the interweb about its existence. So I would like to share some of the declassified information that I can. First of all, what does SSUVFL stand for?

S - Super. As in super cool.

S - Secret. As in none of your business.

U - Undisclosed. As in we don't want to tell you where it is.

V - Virus. As in Covid and now the ever scary Monkey Pox.

F - Free. As in no trace of.

L - Location. As in where it may or may not be.

Here is a Skynet satellite photo from outer space of the SSUVFL. As you can see the photo has been redacted and we have successfully camouflaged everything from prying eyes.

The next photo I can show you is from a Google spy car that drove by our entrance. I can show you the photo because it is several years old now and the entrance doesn't look like that anymore. It is much less conspicuous now.

As you drive up the gentle incline, you will crest a small hill. The hill has been strategically placed there to stop prying eyes from just peering in. Here you will come to two warning signs.

These are the only warnings you will get. So if you happen to stumble upon the SSUVFL by accident, it is best to turn around at that point. The top sign says Private Property, no trespassing.  The bottom sign is the one that you really need to be worried about. Turtle crossing. What it really means is "Beware of attack turtles." I searched the interweb and could not find a sign that said "beware of attack turtles" so I went with something that was very close to it. It means that I have trained the local snapping turtle population to become ravenous blood thirsty attack turtles.

This one is Brewtis. He patrols the grounds of the SSUVFL nonstop.
Brewtis checks the doors to make sure they are secured.

Brewtis is a medium size snapper. We have larger ones that are about the size of Komodo Dragons lurking around. So trespassers beware. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "why don't I just sneak into the SSUVFL in the winter when the attack turtles are hibernating?" I have thought of that also so that is why I am training the Pileated Woodpeckers to swoop in and peck your brains and eyes out.

Here's a picture of one attacking a simulated head. If that doesn't deter people from finding us I always have the hidden machine gun nests, mortar pits, tiger pits and the local tribe of pygmy cannibals to take care of unwanted visitors.

What have we really been up to? Well when we are not working for the "man" we are doing an endless list of improvements here at the SSUVFL. Along with lots and lots of family time.


Lolli and the little ones on movie night.

Lisa and my sister Gio enjoying a car show.

Our maiden voyage of our pontoon.

Enjoying some brewski's. l-r. Me, Lisa Brother-in-law Jeff and my sister Gio.

Lolli making memories with the kids.

BBQ with the fam.

Lolli getting sticky with the grandkids.

Most of our summer projects have come to an end. Lisa continues to clear brush around the SSUVFL giving us great fields of fire now. We rented a log splitter one day to help us get prepared for a long cold winter.
Even while busy working, Lisa will always have time to stop and pose for a photo shoot by the paparazzi. One of the jobs I was putting off was sealing the front part of our driveway. I did the section in front of the barn earlier in the summer.

I did it in three days and it took about 13 buckets of sealer. It looks great and one lady driving by asked if I hired out. To which I quickly told her "No".

Now the news I am sure you all have been waiting for. How is my health? I am glad you asked. I have been back to the Mayo Clinic several times this last summer. My last visit was with the hand surgeon. He basically said that opening up my hand again was not an option and that I must learn to live with the annoyance that it is. It is what it is.

I went in for my regular check up a couple of weeks ago. I told my DR. about how much my hips hurt and that I limp all of the time. X-rays were taken and confirmed by Orthopedics and they all came to the same conclusion. Exercise and death marches are bad for me and I need hip replacement surgery. 

When I went home and told Lisa the results I thought I might get something like this. "Oh honey, you must be in so much pain. You should take it easy and stop working." But what I actually got was "Well, you have a lot of projects to get done before your surgery."

So I continue to hobble around here to get things done so that Lisa will let me get my surgery and find some relief from pain. Poor me.

Friday, September 2, 2022

A Day in My Sad Life

 Story by Tango Allejandro

Illustrations by Tango Allejandro

The events that I am about to share with you are mostly true. Some names have been changed for legal reasons and to protect the innocent.

As I have said before, I have taken a part time job with a tool company that is a national company. Lets just call it Tools-R-Us.  I have nothing against the company. I like working there. It is fun and interesting and best of all, it puts money in the bank.

Part time work is great for me because my shifts are usually 4 hour shifts. For example. We get a semi truck every week with merchandise. I have been a part of a crew of six or more to unload the truck. It is hard work but I know in a few hours I will be done with the shift and believe me, the more people you have to unload a truck the better. 

On one such truck day a few weeks ago we had only 4 people to unload the truck. Two thirds of the truck was palletized while the rest is floor loaded from floor to ceiling. It ends up to be a lot of lifting of boxes but the four of us got it unloaded in my 4 hour shift.

So the other day I am scheduled for a real 8 hour shift, plus it is a truck day. Oh-oh. So I get to work at 4 o'clock in the morning. Yep, you read that right. 4 AM! What am I thinking? I don't know. Maybe thinking about the last truck we unloaded in 4 hours. I can do this.

I look around at the crew and see the store manager. The logistics manager. I spin around in a 360 degree circle and notice that that is it. Just little ole me. The store manager, who is a lot younger than I, jumps on the forklift.

The logistics manager, who is a lot younger than I, grabs the scanner to scan all of the boxes that come in.

That just left me, the old cripple guy with a laundry list of ailments, to unload each and every pallet. 

Let's look at those ailments for a minute.

Arthritis in the neck. Check.

Bad shoulders due to old rotator cuff injuries. CHECK.

Nerve damage in the left hand. CHECK.

Lower back pain. CHECK.

Hips wearing out. CHECK.

Sore knees due to old injuries. CHECK.

Achilles tendinitis in both heels. CHECK.

In a nut shell. I am a wreck and should keel over any day now. Gladys says I walk hunched over like a 90 year old man and I'm only 58!

Back to the story. The store manager unloads the pallets. They are double stacked to save room on the truck. The logistics manager breaks down the pallets and scans each box. I then take each box and move it to its location in the storeroom.

Box after box. Pallet after pallet. We figured there were 40 pallets that "we" unloaded. It took the entire 8 hour shift to unload almost all of the pallets. I ended up leaving 3 at the end of shift. But no worries, they were still waiting for me the next day. LOL.

That was the longest 8 hour day I have had in a long time. But I got through it alive. I was hurting for a couple of days after that and am super excited for next week's truck.

But nothing beats an honest day's work. Except maybe day drinking. Silly me. I sound like Jethro and Bambi now.

Next episode we get an inside look at the SSUVFL.

Thursday, June 30, 2022

Musings, Confessions and Ramblings

 Flashback to the mid 1980's. America was deep into a cold war with a major super power, the Soviet Union. A young man from the plains of North Dakota hears the calling of his country and steps up to put on the uniform and help defend against the communist threat. A little nervous and apprehensive about what is going on in the world, along with the reality of being in the military mindset of it all, a ray of hope is shown to him from, of all places, Hollywood.  

1986 is when I first saw the movie "Top Gun". A movie filled with adventure and patriotism when America needed it. The effects of Vietnam were still being felt and our military was carrying the brunt of it. I first saw that movie in San Jose, California. Then again in Clovis, New Mexico. It depicted our lives in the military. The hustle and bustle of working on a flight line of an active military base. The only difference being that on an aircraft carrier it is much busier due to the size of the ship versus the size of an Air Force base. I was filled with pride to be there and wouldn't trade that time for anything. 

Now come back to the present. 2022. Our country is again at a low point in time as we seem to be rotting from the inside out. Division is all around us from every aspect of life it seems. Along comes the movie "Maverick". A glimmer of patriotism that most people I believe have lost. When I heard they were coming out with a sequel to Top Gun, I was skeptical. It was 36 years ago, don't do it. I'm glad they did because it was the kick in the pants this country needed or should I say, I needed. It was as good, if not better, than the original. I highly recommend seeing it. You may just go out and buy an American flag.

Musings. Check.

With the state of the economy at the moment, we have done much soul searching. We have asked ourselves some tough questions lately. The toughest being. "What does our future look like?" It amazes me how a country can do an abrupt about face and end up where we are now. Everything  has skyrocketed from gas to groceries. You can't turn on the news anymore without hearing all the bad news so we don't turn it on. It has gotten so bad that we had to take some drastic measures. Prepare yourself for what I am about to say. You may want to be sitting down for this.

Ready. Here goes. We have gotten...............(deep breath)............JOBS! It's not like OMG! It is OMG! I know right? Let me justify ourselves for a minute. With the economy tanking like it has we decided to supplement our bank accounts for what the future may hold. We hope to travel again but it is not as easy as it once was. Unless you have some deep pockets like others I know. God bless their little hearts. Lisa is working as a grounds keeper at a nursing home. It lets her be outside and she loves to do yard work. Our property looks like a park thanks to her hard work and diligence. 

I, on the other hand have renewed my career as an Inventory Control Specialist (Look it up Jim. It's a thing!) I am working as a logistics associate for a national company that I cannot name due to confidentiality disclosures I have signed. It feels good to be a productive member of society again. Paying taxes and what not. Yessiree Bob! It feels good! In less than 2 years I can start collecting my retirement so maybe at that time we will retire again. That is if I haven't reached the top of the corporate ladder by then or have died. So for the time being, traveling is on hold. Hopefully they will make an electric one ton truck that will go farther than 50 miles on a charge so that we can hit the open road without feeling guilty by dumping thousands of metric tonnes of diesel exhaust on mother earth. But I am not holding my breath on that one.

A side note to this working thing. As I have suspected for quite some time now, I think I may be allergic to work. Ever since I started working, I have had a rash on my body that itches like crazy. Lisa thinks it may be a contact dermatitis caused by an allergic reaction to an outside stimulus. (Yeah, work!) Or she thinks that maybe when I was mowing brush with my shirt off I may have mowed over some poison ivy that then became airborne and I went through the cloud of poison. I think she has been watching too much science fiction when I am at work. Who knows?

Confessions. Check.

What in pray tell have we been up too? Well after Jethro and Bambi's visit, I hauled a truck and trailer load of aluminum cans to be recycled. I got enough money to pay for the diesel I needed to make that trip into town. LOL. 

Mainly we have been keeping ourselves busy with our Super Secret Undisclosed Virus Free Location. The SSUVFL for short. On the back part of the property we could only access it by crossing a log bridge that our neighbor made for us. I did not think it would support the weight of my John Deere with the mower attached. So luck would have it that Lisa found a piece of culvert on Market place. So I removed the bridge, sunk the culvert and filled it in with dirt and gravel. Now I have been able to get to the back and start clearing brush. The brush was so thick of prickly ash and sumac that you really couldn't walk through it. Now take a look.

I have mowed many areas back there and it looks great. Another tedious job we wanted to tackle was sealing our asphalt driveway. First the cracks had to be filled.

That took a couple of back breaking days to do. Then it was time to apply the sealer. Again another several day long project.

A 5 gallon bucket of sealer doesn't go as far as you think it does. I first got 5 buckets thinking that would do it. Nope. I went and got 6 more. Nope, still not enough. "I will take 6 more buckets sir." Finally I got that section done.

It looks as good as the day they poured it. Now I just have the front driveway down by the highway to do. I think I will wait until fall to tackle that.

On a funny note. We had tornado warnings here a couple of weeks back. When we built this place it does not have a basement. So to fix that problem we buried an underground storm shelter outside. So we went into the shelter with the cats, happy as little clams knowing we were going to survive, when all of a sudden it started to rain hard. No worries we thought. That is until the water started to flow into the air vents and our shelter started to flood. "Abandon ship, abandon ship!" Our options now were to die in a tornado or drown in a flood. We grabbed the cats and went back into the barn. 

That's muddy rain water at the bottom. One more thing to fix. After that near death experience we really appreciate the smaller things in life. Like listening to the leaves dance in the wind.
Or like watching the end of life struggles of a June bug. It's not cruel. There is nothing I could do for this June bug to save it. Nothing.

The June bug did die later on. So I gathered his little body up and buried him in Lisa's garden. I then gave him a 21 gun salute with my AR-15 and played taps on my kazoo. So don't think of me as heartless.

Ramblings. Check.

Have a happy 4th of July and please remember what this holiday is about. Not what "they" want to tell you what it's about. Also be safe out there. Although if I had a choice of what finger to blow off, I know which one it would be.

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

A Visit by Jethro and Bambi

 *Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

After we got back from our trip to the gulf coast, we felt safe in our super secret undisclosed virus free location (SSUVFL). We were getting back into our daily routine of working on the cabin and taking care of our little piece of paradise. I was out in the back forty setting up barbwire and placing landmines (That's a joke so don't call the BATF), when Gladys came running up to me. Hair disheveled, face all flush, out of breath and sweating. Between her gasping for air she was able to get these three words out.


My eyes became wide, my heart started to beat more rapidly and my hands started to shake. It was like OMG! The zombie apocalypse I have been preparing for and waiting for has finally arrived.

"Gladys, go get the guns! Hurry!" I said.

"What for?" said Gladys.

"Well you said they're coming. Didn't you mean the zombie hoard?"

"No. It's worse than that." she said.

I laughed and said "what could be worse than millions of flesh eating zombies knocking on your door?"

Nearly in tears now she blurted out "JETHRO AND BAMBI ARE ON THEIR WAY!" She then started screaming hysterically.

My eyes got even wider, my heart was ready to burst out of my chest and my body went into a shaking spasm. Not Jethro Buckhumper and Bambi Poledancer. It couldn't be, it just couldn't be. I quickly regained my composure, grabbed Gladys by the shoulders and then Will Smithed her ass. (That means I slapped her just in case you are not up to speed on current events).(Also that didn't really happen. I would never ever dare slap Gladys because she would beat me to a pulp).

I said to Gladys, "Prepare yourself. I am heading to the liquor store. I pray that I have time to get back before they arrive. How long are they staying?"

"Two nights this time!"


Off I went in my pickup. Tires squealing out of the driveway. I picked up 3 bottles of rum. 2 types of spiced rum and a bottle of Captain Morgan. I got a bottle of Galliano, a bottle of Banana Liqueur. three and a half cases of beer and bottles of wine. When I checked out the lady at the liquor store asked if we were throwing a party. I said that we have some people from Wisconsin coming over.

"OMG!" she said. "Do you think that will be enough alcohol?"

"Let's pray to the heavens that it is" I said. "They are only staying 2 nights."

She said a prayer for me as I struggled to wheel my over burdened shopping cart out to the truck. I made it home with a little time to spare. We got the truck unloaded and put away when we heard the neighbor's dog start barking. Gladys and I looked at each other with saucer shaped eyes. We swallowed hard and put on the best smiles we could as a 1 ton dodge with a pickup camper on it came sliding up to our house as if Bo and Luke Duke where driving it. I thought it was going to tip over.

Out of the windows jumped Jethro and Bambi. Now Bambi we don't mind having here, it's just that she always has to bring that man of hers with her. 

I guess you can tell by the pictures who's Jethro and who's Bambi. Jethro went to hug Gladys and spilled the beer he was carrying all over the front of her shirt while simultaneously dripping tobacco juice in her hair and on her shoulder. Bambi hugged me and I thought that I had suddenly become the pole for her next dancing routine. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, I liked it so much that I had to excuse myself and take a cold shower. 

After the hugs Jethro said "Hello, long time no see. Where's the beer?"

Bambi just quietly purred as she looked at us.

That night I cooked some Ribeyes for them. I told Jethro that we were all out of squirrel at the moment. I asked Bambi if she liked her meat . She just looked at me, licked her lips and winked. Gladys made stuffed mushrooms and tater tots for the tot loving couple. After dinner Lisa made a drink called a Painkiller. With a name like that I should have had a dozen of those. 

As the beer cans started to pile up we sat around and got caught up with each other's lives when a severe thunderstorm started to roll through. Tornado warnings were posted and we were not sure if we were going to have to spend the night in our storm shelter. Then the power went out.

We were sitting in the dark when Jethro started to get a look of panic on his face. Was the storm really affecting him that much? How much beer has he already had? The power was out for at least an hour when he all of a sudden jumped up and in a frantic voice yelled "I have to drink more beer before it gets warm!" That's what he was worried about? Every time I looked over at Bambi in the dark, I could swear that one more button of her shirt came undone.

We made it through the storms and finally they stumbled to their camper. What are we going to do with them for a whole day tomorrow? Gladys said that she had an idea. Brewery's. Genius. We got up early the next day and cleaned up the beer cans and I found Bambi's bra behind her chair.I didn't even see her take it off.

We started the day off with some antique stores so that they could walk off the hangover. At noon we started with the first brewery. Our favorite. Outstate it is called. Next we went to another one but they were closed. Dang. Next we found a cider bar.
Everyone had flights except me. I had a Fresca because I was the driver. They had many different flavors and it looked like they were a hit. Bambi especially liked the pickle flavored one. She raved on and on about how she loves pickles. (No surprise there). After that we went to another brewery but they lost their brewer and were out of some beers. Next was dinner with many more beverages and then we went home. More and more beverages were consumed. I made a drink called the West Indies Yellow Bird for them to sip and enjoy. Jethro guzzled it, burped and asked for a refill.
Jethro was enjoying a quiet moment with Moose. I think he was getting a second wind before the hard core drinking started again. The rest of the evening was a fog. At one point I think Bambi was teaching Gladys how to twerk but I am not sure about that.

The next morning they left our lives as fast as they came in. Leaving nothing but muddy tire tracks in our driveway.
And vomit out in our trees.
Jethro really needs to work on chewing his food. That will make good fertilizer for that tree. On a more positive note, I will have about $50 dollars in aluminium cans when I cash them in.

Safe travels to Jethro and Bambi. It was fun and as always way too short.

"Gladys! Are these your Daisy Dukes?"